


not without you

by hansens



Category: Band of Brothers, Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Fluff and Angst, M/M, i rewatched captain america & thought of this, inseparable in both playground and battlefield
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 11:25:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14893740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hansens/pseuds/hansens
Summary: Dick Winters had Lewis Nixon, and that thought alone could help him go through the war unscathed.OR: The Captain America AU you didn't know you needed.





	not without you

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea after rewatching the Captain America films, and thought, hey, Steve Rogers is just like Dick Winters and Bucky Barnes is kinda like Lewis Nixon. So, since I am a sucker for Marvel and Band of Brothers, this happened.
> 
> I tried my best to make this readable even if you haven't seen the films (or the one film I based it on, which was the First Avenger). The only context you need is: 
> 
> Before he was Captain America, Steve Rogers was a skinny kid who always got on fights because he didn't like bullies. After being discovered by Dr. Erskine, he was injected with the super-soldier serum which made him bigger, taller, stronger, etc. At first all he did was perform on shows as a character but eventually, did a suicide mission all by himself to retrieve his best friend, Bucky Barnes.
> 
> I guess that's it. Enjoy!

 

Dick, in broad daylight, dreams of Lewis Nixon.

He sees him on every corner – his dark, dishevelled hair, his thick, defined brows, his deep ochre eyes. He sees him leaning against a wall with his arms across his crisp uniform, and sees him at the corner of his eyes, laughing at a joke Dick has made, eyes bright and beaming. When Dick had performed in his star-spangled uniform in front of the soldiers that booed him, he saw Lew’s face in the crowd – easy and familiar, face dirt-ridden. There had been a moment of pure elation, of belief that the both of them could have gone through the war together, but just as he appeared, the ghost vanished.

Panicked, Dick had ran to Colonel Sink and asked him for “Lewis Nixon, sir. _N-I-X_ –”. Sink had stared at him in the eyes and delivered the news he’d feared to hear. Dick, after the revelation, had seen the apparition of Lew step inside the tent, wet from the rain, drenched in blood; his eyes were twinkling and he was smiling at Dick as if there was no gaping hole in his chest. As if everything was alright.

Dick hadn’t felt such terror before, not even after getting beat up countlessly in alleyways through the years. To him, there was nothing more terrifying than the thought of his best friend, dead.

“What do you plan to do, walk to Austria?” Agent Peggy Carter waltzes into the backstage tent as Dick is packing his things into a bag.

“If that’s what it takes.”

“You heard the colonel, your friend is most likely dead.”

Dick’s voice is sure, firm. “You don’t know that.”

He grabs the jacket and puts it on, running past Peggy and onto the jeep. She calls for him but he ignores her. He _knows_ Lew is in that Hydra camp, and wherever Lew is, Dick is coming with. Even if that means going on a suicide run to get him back.

When Peggy takes the wheel and drives him to an airplane, Dick sees Lew in the rear-view mirror. He’s smoking a cigarette, hair blowing in the wind. He catches Dick’s eyes and nods; Dick blinks and the ghost is gone again.

***

The moment Dick found his body strapped to a table was the moment he knew that he wasn’t letting Lewis Nixon get away from him ever again. Relief washes over him as he keeps his hands on Lew’s arms, real and alive and _here_. When you care about someone that much, you have so much more to lose. He can’t help but allow his hand to fly on Lew’s face to better look at him, fingers trailing along the scars on his cheek.

“Dick?” His name on Lew’s voice always sounds so sweet.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Dick breathes. Lew’s hands are on him and it’s too good to be true. “I thought you were dead.”

Lew finally looks at him, confusion clouding his expression. “I thought you were smaller.”

There is an explosion, and the two are taken back to their senses and out of each other’s eyes. Dick carries Lew, arm around his shoulder, Dick’s hand on his waist. When they reach the factory floor, they find the fire dancing, engulfing the room with its flames. Everything in sight burns a bright orange, and there is no other way towards the exit except a one-foot wide steel rod that connects the two ends.

Lew goes first, his legs shaking with every step. Dick’s stomach twists as the rod creaks and falls, but Lew manages to jump towards the railing and pull himself to safety. Now Dick has no visible way out, and if this is what it means to save Lewis’ life, then so be it.

Lew’s voice sounds small amidst the sounds of hell below them. “There’s got to be a rope or something you can use to –”

The ground shakes as the explosions continue on. Dick looks at Lew for what feels 1like the last time and yells, “Just go, get out of here!”

“No, not without you!” Lew’s feet are nailed to the ground. He grips the railing tight and stares at Dick, a strand of dark hair falling to his face. Dick knows there is nobody more stubborn than him than Lew.

His heart beating out of his chest, Dick bends the steel railings and takes five steps back. He scales the distance he has to cover and feels like wanting to back out. But he takes one look at Lew – he’s not dreaming of him anymore, no, he is _real_ – and Lew is staring back. Dick takes a deep breath and proceeds running to the edge.

He jumps, eyes fixated on the brunet boy in front of him.

_Wherever Lew is, Dick is coming with._

***

Dick cleans Lew up at his barracks, a wet towel in hand, wiping the dirt and blood off of his face. He’d rejected going to the medic, saying that other prisoners had had it worse, and Dick had reluctantly agreed. Still, Dick isn’t letting him get away that easily, opting to be the one to nanny him instead. Lew winces as Dick presses the compress on his cheek.

“Sorry,” Dick says, soaking the towel on a bowl of water again.

Lew’s eyes follow him as he wipes his face, and Dick imagines it must be like staring at a stranger for him. He’s grown taller, yes, but there are other little things that changed about him after the super-soldier serum as well. Lew looks determined to pin point them all.

“Did it hurt?” Lew asks. “The procedure.”

Dick shrugs. “Yeah. Thought the needles were gonna go through my arms.” He shoots Lew a smile that he immediately returns.

“You don’t look like Dick Winters,” Lew’s hand flies over to Dick’s face. The redhead tries not to flinch or to show the blush creeping out of his cheeks as Lew cups his jaw with his palm. “You look like…”

“Captain America?” Dick suggests and Lew nods serenely. His hand falls back to his lap but Dick can still feel the weight on his cheek.

“Thanks for coming for me, Dick,” Lew says, eyes on his feet. “I’ve… I’ve never been so scared in my life. I thought I was – I thought I was dead for sure.”

Dick puts down the towel and touches Lew’s wrist. “You’re here now. That’s what matters the most.”

Lew looks up at him, this is the most vulnerable he’s ever looked. Not even when tied to a table in a Hydra base did his eyes look this glassy, holding back the tears that was sure to fall any second. Lew croaks, “The last thing I thought of before everything went black, was that I never got to say goodbye to you. You’re all I ever really had, Dick, and… seeing those eyes the moment I woke up, everything just came together.”

Dick grabs Lew’s head and pulls him into his chest, the brunet’s arms flying around Dick’s back. “You’re all I have too, you know,” Dick whispers into Lew’s hair, fingers rubbing his scalp. “And I’m not letting you run into a war without me again.”

Dick can feel Lew’s grin on his chest, and with that, he can breathe a little easily. They’re so close now, bodies connecting together like two puzzle pieces that are meant to touch the way they are. Dick closes his eyes as he buries his nose into Lew’s bed of hair, holding him gingerly.

Lew, slowly, pulls back – only a bit so their eyes can meet. His face is masked with revelation, shadows of thought falling onto his expression like a sun-drenched landscape. Lew moves his head closer and presses his lips on Dick’s neck, trailing hot breaths on his freckled skin.

Dick moans in surprise and Lew murmurs on him, “Is this okay?”

“Yes, Lew,” he exhales.

Lew’s mouth moves gradually until it’s settled on the corner of Dick’s mouth, gentle. He pulls away, mouth hovering above Dick’s, and asks for permission with his eyes.

“Yes.” Dick tries not to sound desperate but fails.

Lew takes Dick’s head in his hand and pushes his mouth into his, slow and unhurried. Lew tastes of blood and grit, as opposed to Dick’s expectation of whisky (not that he’d thought of kissing him before). Dick grips Lew’s structured waist, his hipbone poking on his palm as Dick plays with the hem of his t-shirt.

“I love you,” Dick says as their mouths pull away from each other. He doesn’t even know he’s said those words until they come out of his mouth – the single most honest thing he’s ever said in his life. He rests his forehead on Lew’s, a hand on the back of his neck.

Lew smiles, Dick can feel the soft movement against his lips. “I love you. God, I’ve loved you ever since I can remember.”

They spend the rest of the evening holding each other in silence until they fall asleep. There was no use in filling the quiet with chatter; they’ve already said all of the things they needed to say.

***

They celebrate at a pub. The air is musky with the stench of alcohol and sweat, the sounds of a piano surrounding the atmosphere. The place is packed with soldiers and locals alike, in celebration of each one’s own personal victory. Dick sits around a table with the soldiers he’s personally picked – Carwood Lipton, Ronald Speirs and Harry Welsh. They exchange towering mugs of beer and immediately agree to Dick’s request of being on his team, but with one condition:

“Open up a tab.” Harry grins up at him, face flushed red.

Dick smiles in spite of himself and orders another round for the table, the three men sending him cheers as he walks to the other side of the pub.

Lew sits at the bar, leaning on the counter with a glass of whisky on his hand. He looks better, even with his shirt unbuttoned and hair uncombed. Lew turns to him, gives him a one-over and reddens before turning back to his drink.

“Never seen you in uniform before,” Lew says as Dick grabs the seat beside him. “You look great.”

Dick rolls his eyes but can’t contain the smile forming on his face. He’s tipsy, Dick can tell; he’s spent enough time with him to know what he sounds like drunk.

Lew leans in closer, almost way too close for the public, and whispers in Dick’s ear, “Too bad I’m gonna have to rip it off of you later.”

“Really?” Dick whispers back, heart on his throat. He can smell whisky on the man’s breath.

Lew pulls away and Dick could see the dangrous glint in his eyes. “You look better without it anyway.” He shoots Dick a playful wink before turning back to his drink. He says, “So, what do you think of them? A handful, right?”

Dick chuckles. “Yeah. Ron Speirs really is… something.”

Lew nods in agreement. “You’ll get past the creepy vibes soon enough,” He says, tone twinkling with something resembling fondness. “They’re the best men I’ve served with.”

“I don’t doubt you,” Dick says. It was evident that Lew believed in the strength and wits of those three, and if that was the case, then Dick believed in them too. He looks at Lew closely. “How about you?”

“Hm?”

Dick grins. “Are you ready to follow Captain America to war?”

“Hell, no.” Lew puts down his empty glass and settles his eyes on Dick. “That scrawny little redhead from Lancaster County that was too dumb to back away from a fight –

I’m following him.”

***

They fight together, taking down one Hydra base at a time. Dick has always imagined being at the battlefield, dreamed of it, even, but now that he is (and that he is the one leading these men into battle), he can’t help but feel fear lingering at the back of his brain whenever they face fire with the enemy. One wrong move and one his men gets shot; it’s happened, many more times than Dick would like to count, and he doesn’t feel any less guilty when it happens.

Dick would stare at the lifeless body of a young man, body covered in holes, and think about this man’s mother waiting for him back home. Lew would clap him in the shoulder and rest his hand there until Dick snaps out of it and returns to reality.

Their newest mission was harder than any other they’d encountered, and although it was a success, it led to sixteen of the company men killed. Dick had focused more on the dead than the living, sitting atop the debris of the fallen base with his mask in his hands.

“Intelligence says this is the second largest Hydra base they know,” Lew snaps him out of his thoughts, moving to sit beside him among the pile of cement and ash. “You should be proud of yourself.”

Dick knows he’s looking at him, but can’t bear to return the stare. “We lost sixteen men today, Lew. I don’t consider that a victory.”

Lew sighs. “You’re attempting to do the impossible, Dick. You’re trying to save the world. This is war; you can’t save everyone.”

“I can try.”

“And you did. You did good today, and every other day before that. Don’t beat yourself up for something you can’t control.”

Dick finally turns to Lew and lets his words sink in. He doesn’t say a word, so Lew continues, “A few thousand people, maybe a million – that’s a lot to put on your shoulders, you know. I didn't come here for that. Every day, I'm just trying my best to save one person.” Lew puts a hand on Dick’s knee, the most touch he can give to the man without looking misplaced. Dick allows his hand to settle over Lew’s.

At that moment, Dick realized that even before being Captain America, he had a shield. There was always someone who blocked his frail body from the ruthless bullies in the playground. There was always someone who stood by him, steadfast and without hesitation, in whatever mess he ‘d dragged himself into. There was one and only one constant in his life – his rock.

Dick Winters had Lewis Nixon, and that thought alone could help him go through the war unscathed.

***

“Remember when I had you ride the cyclone at Cony Island?”

“Yeah, and I threw up?”

“This isn’t payback, is it?”

Dick allows himself a laugh as he and Lew stare into the snowy ground a few hundred feet below, the train tracks peeking through the layers of white. Harry and Lip are at the radio to confirm the intel as Dick, Lew and Ron prepare to jump. Dick looks at the ensemble and feels his chest attached to every single one of them despite the short amount of time they’d shared together. There is nothing that binds men closer than combat.

Dick hears the familiar rumbling of a train and cranes his neck, finding a train appearing from a curve. He looks back at his men and gives the final orders. He counts a few seconds before jumping, ziplining across the sky until he lands on the roof. Dick looks behind him and finds Lew and Ron on the same crouching position, and slowly walks across, trying not to fall from the intense wind hitting his body.

Dick finds a ladder and climbs inside, Lew following suit. As soon as the sounds of the bustling scenery outside halts, Dick pulls out his gun and covers himself with his shield, navigating through the hall in caution. Slowly, Dick walks towards another compartment on the train. The door quickly shuts behind him.

Dick looks at Lew behind the glass before a metallic sound catches his attention. Dick finds a robot at the other side of the hall, armed with a Hydra weapon. He dodges a blast of blue and shoots his pistol, almost getting hit by a close margin.

Dick fires his gun again, and once realizing it has no effect on the robot, he runs full-speed towards it, shield out. A blue flare hits his shield and he buckles himself, the blast bouncing off and hitting the robot square in the face. Once safe, Dick operates the weapon and blasts the door separating him from Lew.

Dick runs and finds Lew pinned down behind a stack of crates, no ammo. He slides open the door and throws Lew his own gun. Dick pushes some storage boxes at one of the shelves in force, making the enemy jump towards the side, Lew killing him in one shot.

“I had him on the ropes,” Lew says, catching Dick’s eyes.

“Sure you did.”

An explosion takes them back, the right side of the train blown and leaving a large hole. Dick gets thrown to the side, letting go of his gun and shield.

He looks up, ignoring the pain in his head and finds Lew holding his shield against his chest, gun aimed at the robot and shooting at it. The robot revs its weapon and Dick is screaming before it fires towards Lew, sending him flying outside the moving train.

 _“Lew!”_ Panic clouds Dick as he throws his shield at the robot, jumping towards the side of the train.

Lew has his hands on the railing at the side of the train, the only thing keeping him from falling towards the snowy ground a hundred feet below. Dick moves carefully towards him, extending his hand as close to Lew as he could.

“Lew, grab my hand!” Dick locks eyes with Lew and finds the terror in his face, completely shrouded in fear. Dick feels his own face mold into the same expression as he attempts to move closer to Lew.

_“No!”_

But just as he almost grabs him, the railing holding Lew breaks. Lewis falls, screaming a blood-curdling scream that rings through Dick’s ears. His eyes go wide, watching his best friend die, vision clouded with tears. His gut clenches inside of his stomach as he grips the railing tighter. He turns away from the sight of Lew falling, and when he looks back, he sees nothing more than snow.

Dick sobs as reality shoots him on the chest, mind dark over the fact that Lewis Nixon is dead.

***

The pub that they’d once gone to to celebrate had been blown to bits, leaving nothing more than a wreckage to what it once was. The windows were shattered, the door nothing more than a crater at the front of the pub. What once shone bright below the orange light is covered in darkness, the air ghost-quiet. Dick sits at a table that was functional enough to hold him, a bottle of Vat 69 in front of him.

His cheeks are lined with the tracks of his tears, eyes puffy and red from crying. If Lew could see him emptying that bottle of whisky all by himself, he would be proud. That thought irks Dick and makes him take another glass.

Dick could hear heels coming towards him. He wants nothing more than to be alone, but very well knows it’s better to have some company than none at all.

“Dr. Erskine said that the serum wouldn’t only affect my muscles, it’d affect my cells,” Dick says. “Create a protective system of regeneration and healing. Which means,” Dick looks up at her, plays with the mouth of the glass. “I can’t get drunk.”

Peggy grabs a seat from the piles of debris and sits in front of him. “It’s not your fault.”

“Did you read the report?”

“Yes.”

“Then you know that’s not true.”

Peggy sighs. “You tried your best.” She sounds awfully like Lew.

“It wasn’t good enough. I could’ve tried harder, I should’ve,” Dick’s voice is firm. “If I couldn’t even save my –” He stops himself, looking away from Peggy’s concerned eyes.

“You can’t save everyone, Dick,” she says.

“No,” Dick meets her eyes. “Maybe just one.”

Peggy watches him patiently, brown eyes skimming through his face, careful. Dick couldn’t have been more grateful, having her be there and comfort him at the lowest point of his life.

“He…” Dick starts, choking on the words he’s about to say. “He was the reason I came to the Army. He was the reason I went on the first suicide mission, the reason I fought every single day of the war. Lew was more than just my best friend, he was my –” Dick stops himself before he says something he regrets. He looks up and Peggy’s eyes do not contain any spite or judgment, just understanding.

“I know,” she says, offering a smile. “I see the way you looked at him. And I see the way he looked at you. What the both of you had… it was something special.”

Dick, for the first time in what felt like a long time, cracks a smile. Peggy Carter is something different, and he is more than glad to have her by his side.

Dick finds the ghost of Lew among the rubble behind the bar, young and bursting of life, his uniform fresh and untouched by the war. He’s smiling at him. Dick looks away with a painful sting in his chest, knowing fully well that unlike his previous hallucinations, Lewis Nixon is never coming back.

***

Dick is left on Schmidt’s aircraft, carrying deadly weapons straight to New York City. He removes his mask and puts his hands on the control, eyes skimming through the screens displayed around the control module.

“Come in, this is Captain Winters. Do you read me?” Dick speaks into his earpiece.

Lip picks up. “Captain Winters, what is your –”

“Dick, is that you? Are you alright?” A familiar British drawl catches his ear.

“Peggy, Schmidt’s dead!” Dick all but yells, somewhat still shaken by what had just occurred.

“What about the plane?”

Dick pauses before answering. “That’s a bit tougher to explain.” He tries to push some buttons around, but it does little effect. Seems like the only thing he can do is steer the ship; there is no way for him to stop the weapons from firing into New York.

“Send me your coordinates, I’ll find you a safe landing spot.”

There is a screen near the wheel that displays all of the missiles around the aircraft. “I’m afraid there’s not gonna be a safe landing. But I can try and force it down.”

“I’ll get Howard on the line, he’ll know what to do.”

“There’s not enough time. This thing’s moving too fast and it’s heading for New York,” Dick says. He’s stopped messing with the buttons and has taken to staring at the sky in front of him. “I have to put her in the water.”

There is a pause at the other end of the line, and for a moment, Dick thinks the line’s dead. Until Peggy speaks up again. “Dick, you don’t have to –”

“I do,” Dick says with a tone of finality. “This is my choice. Thank you, Peggy. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” His voice softens as he thinks of her.

“Dick…”

Dick pulls out his compass from his pocket, opens it and places it atop one of the screens. Lew’s smiling face looks up at him, as live and well as he ever was. Dick stares at the picture and finds guidance in the thought of him, of seeing him again in the afterlife, if there were any at all. There is a certain darkness in his voice when he thinks, _wherever Lew is, Dick is coming with_.

“Goodbye, Peggy,” Dick says.

“I will always remember you, Dick,” Peggy says, he could hear her trying not to cry. “Goodbye.”

Dick shuts off his earpiece and breathes heavily. He tilts the yoke forward, the nose of the plane descending at a steady degree, everything feeling much more real as he faces the consequences of his decision. But not for a moment does he regret it, as he stares into the nearing sea, the choice of saving the lives of countless people. Perhaps it is not like saving the world, just a few.

Dick feels a hand on his shoulder, all too familiar that he needn’t turn to see who it was.

“Are you ready, Dick?” Lew leans into the module, a bright grin on his face; he resembles an excited child who gets to live out the adventure of a lifetime. His hand reach for Dick’s hand, which he intertwines.

Dick stares at him with wonder, the sunlight masking Lew’s features. This doesn’t feel like a dream at all, not when he’s touching his hand before they plummet into the sea.

“I’m sorry I let you down,” Dick says, voice low.

Lew gives him a look of disbelief, thick brows furrowing. “You could never let me down.” He takes Dick’s hand and kisses them with his cold lips, like the gust of wind. “I’m proud of you.”

Dick fights the wetness in his eyes as he nods, smiling at Lew before turning back to the scene before him. He can see the water as clear as day, coming nearer towards them. He exhales deeply and closes his eyes.

If this is how he goes, he does not mind, as long as Lew is by his side.

 


End file.
